It takes a lot to say, “I’m done.”
For some people, it comes easier. They aren’t as afraid of what they might lose, and they may treasure their peace more than dealing with the stress and drama that often comes with unhealthy relationships. For others, “I’m done” comes after a long series of disappointments, mental gymnastics and waiting until the kettle is finally about to blow.
Either way, those two words usually cost us something. They cost us time, energy, mental capacity and emotions invested right up until the moment we decide we can’t do it anymore.
If you are from the Caribbean, like me, or come from a social dynamic that cherishes relationships that stand the “test of time,” you may know something about the stigma of divorce or ending a longtime relationship. What I have realized through my work is that while many of us were taught the importance of being with someone and staying together, no one really taught us how to end a relationship and still be okay. Sometimes a relationship needs repair and sometimes it needs better boundaries. But there are also times when a relationship has become toxic, harmful or so painful that staying is damaging to your soul and it’s affecting your ability to experience peace.
Many of us don’t have the courage to walk away at the first sign that something isn’t right. We hope for the best, especially when we really like someone, feel attracted to them or are trying to fill a void – ouch. We can make excuses for behaviors that initially caused us to pause because we get caught up in the newness, promises, gifts, sex and excitement.
Then we forget to pay attention to what really matters. How do they manage their money? How do they treat the people they love? How do they respond under stress? What happens when you disagree? Whatever is important to you is worthy of your attention.
Should you eventually reach the point where you are done, be clear about what you mean. Don’t send mixed messages. If you simply need space, say that. Think about your safety too. If you have concerns about how the person may respond in the moment, make sure trusted people know what is happening and seek additional support when needed.
Finally, give yourself room to cope with what comes after. You can miss someone and still know the relationship wasn’t healthy for you. You can grieve what you hoped the relationship would become and still know that leaving was the right decision. Both things can be true.
Being done doesn’t always mean you never cared. Sometimes you cared deeply. Sometimes you tried, forgave, waited, hoped and tried again and sometimes the healthiest decision you can make is to choose you. Your peace, your joy and your ability to love and be loved well are gifts worth protecting.
Michelle Shirley, CEO and chief heart officer of Be Strong International, is transforming relationships one Heart Skill at a time. Visit www.bestrongintl,org/marriage-matters to enroll in our Heart Skills® For Couples workshops. You can also follow us on Instagram @BeStronglnil.
