Over the past week, millions of people have spent the last week refreshing one TikTok user’s page hoping to learn the answer to her now-viral question: “Who TF did I marry?”
Reesa Teesa captivated viewers with her 50-part, eight-hour series about her ex-husband, whom she describes as a “pathological liar,” “narcissist” and “the United Nations of red flags.”
In the captivating series that viewers likened to a “Atlanta Dating at its Finest” or “The Best Lifetime Movie Ever,” she details the intricate alleged lies her ex, whom she refers to as “Legion,” told her. Her first video, posted on Feb. 13, was made as a stitched video in response to a TikTok trend that asked people what the most “f—– up thing that your ex did to you.” She shared a condensed version of her story, including details of family members, documents and personal information that he had purportedly fabricated.
Viewers commented that they wanted to hear more — so Reesa Teesa continued to post. The whole series has amassed over 197 million views on TikTok alone, with nearly every video getting over 1 million views. Reesa Teesa, who as of Thursday has 2.3 million followers on TikTok, also put her videos in an auto-playing playlist so that people can listen to the whole story in full — making it easy for people to watch it as if it were a reality TV show.
Now, despite Reese marrying obviouly the wrong man, there are realistically plenty of single brothas on the market—or at least “single” according to their filing status. Although some have made it happily down the aisle, there’s a whole slew of misconceptions surrounding Black men and their perception of marriage. These ideas drive their decision of whether or not to tie the knot and has sparked endless discussion. We don’t speak on behalf of all brothas, but we do listen to them.
Here are 10 reasons why these Black men aren’t ready to say “I do”.
1. Existing to Break Stereotypes
Black men see the same stereotypes and false representations of themselves that the rest of the world sees. The portrayal of Black men in mainstream media often leans towards everything but husband-like material, putting them in a box and limiting their identity.
Imagine how exhausting it must be to have to constantly compete against false narratives and “prove” yourself to society, which has already deemed you incapable of having stable, loving relationships. That could either pressure you to go harder or overwhelm you and deter you from wanting to compete in the first place. Like everyone else, Black men want to be allowed to just—be.
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2. Lack of Positive Influence
For Black men who lack positive marital influence (besides “The Cosby Show”), it may be hard for them to picture what a fulfilling marriage looks like, let alone have one of their own.
Social media is another heavy-hitter when it comes to influence. These platforms will showcase relationship challenges and conflicts more often than positive moments. When Black men scroll through their feeds and see posts of couples going through breakups, having heated arguments, and exposing each other at an all-time high, it creates a distorted perspective. Who wants to sign up for something so commonly portrayed as burdensome?
Everyone’s journey is unique and further influenced by a variety of personal experiences, but It makes a world of difference to have witnessed long-standing relationships where couples love each other through the ups and downs.
RELATED: 5 Qualities All Men Look For in a Wife
3. Past Experiences Shaping Modern Views
We know all too well about discriminating laws, historical injustices, and countless attempts to dismantle Black families. It’s heavy. The fear of family division and economic struggles may still linger, causing some to hesitate before taking the plunge into marriage. But while it is crucial to recognize that history plays a part, it does not dictate our destinies.
We acknowledge the burdens of our past so that we always remember to leave room for understanding and support within our communities. We are allowed to make our own choices about love, commitment, and family—unburdened by the weight of the past. Go shine, Black man.
4. Goals & Ambition
The pursuit of ambitious career goals can be all-consuming. If you’re on a mission to achieve your dreams, whether it’s becoming a successful entrepreneur, climbing the corporate ladder, or excelling in your field, you’ve got your eyes on the prize, and every day feels like a step closer to the finish line. On a career-focused journey, marriage might seem like a detour.
Don’t get it twisted; Black men can be both ambitious and successfully married, but some want to prioritize their career aspirations over marriage and not have to juggle both. They want to achieve certain milestones before settling down, which can delay their decision to get married. In other words, brothas are trying to “get to the bag” before getting down the altar.
I can respect that.
RELATED: Don’t Get Married If You’re Guilty of These 5 Things
5. Financial Responsibility
Speaking of having your career and priorities together before marriage—rightfully so due to the expectations placed on men to be breadwinners, protectors, and providers. Shoot, even with both parties successfully employed, have y’all seen this economy?
We’ll just leave that there.
6. Scared of Divorce
High divorce rates in the U.S. have led many to question the institution of marriage. Historically, divorce rates within the Black community have been somewhat higher than the national average. It’s obvious that not everyone marries for genuine reasons, and some people just grow apart. But for those who may have witnessed the dissolution of their parents’ or close relatives’ marriages, the thought of going through a painful divorce may be a total deal breaker for them.
Don’t pump the brakes just yet. Although influential, divorce rates are not specific to any one racial group, and stats can’t predict the outcome of an individual marriage. You got the juice!
7. Different Ways to Love
As society evolves, so do our ideas about relationships. There are many different ways to express and experience love, and not everyone follows the traditional path of marriage. Some may prefer non-traditional relationships like cohabitation or long-term partnerships. There are a variety of reasons why some men choose to avoid legal marriage, including distrust of the legal system and a desire for more flexibility in their relationships. They want the freedom to define their commitments in ways that suit their unique circumstances.
Black men are no exception and want to choose what works best for them and their partners.
8. Emotional Readiness
Marriage requires emotional readiness, and being prepared for a lifelong commitment manifests in various ways and differs from person to person. However, as previously stated, some unique societal factors can sometimes place emotional burdens on Black men, contributing to their hesitation to marry.
Also, specifically for those who have faced trauma and adversity in previous relationships, these wounds need time to heal, and the idea of marriage can be intimidating.
It’s all good; we advocate for therapy around here.
9. Fear of Rejection
This one kind of ties into being emotionally ready, and overcoming this fear can also take time. But hey, we all get rejected at some point in life. Don’t carry those feelings around, living in fear. That’s like a farmer saying, “I don’t want to plant these seeds because they might not grow.” Just saying. You’ll never know if you don’t shoot your shot and see what happens.
10. Afraid of Change
Marriage represents significant life changes, and some believe that these changes include limiting one’s freedom and losing their sense of self. Some may be resistant to change, as it can be unsettling and uncertain. Understand that, while change can be an adjustment, it can also bring about growth and fulfillment. A good marriage can enhance your life without compromising your independence.
Look, there’s no bottom line or secret formula to this thing. Encouraging Black men to pursue their aspirations in love while also dismantling harmful stereotypes is a collective responsibility. We’ll continue to advocate for open conversations to help bridge the gap between perceptions and realities. One time for Black love and happily ever afters!
