When people ask me what causes relationships to break down, they often expect me to name something dramatic: an affair, a betrayal, constant fighting, or a major life crisis. Many of those things are true, but after years of working with couples and families, I’ve come to believe that relationships don’t suddenly fall apart but slowly drift apart.
Sometimes, the routine of everyday striving slowly erodes the curiosity we once had to learn more about our partner. Or it’s the conversations that never moved beyond, “How was your day?” that shifted to the list of to-dos for the household. It might even be the date night that kept being postponed because you were too busy. It could also be the “I’m fine” that you accepted instead of gently asking one more question because you were already too emotionally exhausted to dig deeper.
These moments don’t seem to be a big deal at first, but after a while, as resentment and unmet expectations take a toll, these missed or unseen moments can begin to create distance where closeness once was. When speaking to couples after they complete our Heart Skills® For Couples workshop, I often share that it’s interesting how we approach almost every other area of life very differently. We schedule annual visits to the doctor before we’re sick (or at least we try to). We service our cars before they break down. We maintain our homes before small problems become expensive ones. Yet many of us wait until our relationship is in crisis before giving it the same intentional care.
I didn’t always understand this as deeply as I do today.
Several years ago, my husband and I experienced the unimaginable loss of our daughter at nine months of pregnancy. In an instant, everything we had worked so hard for looked different. The meetings, deadlines, responsibilities, and long workdays that once felt so important suddenly became secondary.
As we walked through that season together, we realized that we didn’t have a bad marriage. We had simply become two hardworking people managing life. Our conversations revolved around work, the kids, schedules, and responsibilities, but very little around us. We were living in the same home, carrying the same grief, yet we still had to intentionally learn how to “see” each other again.
That season revealed how easy it is for even good relationships to slowly drift when we stop intentionally investing in them.
Before you move on with your day, I want to leave you with one question:
What has your attention more than the people who matter most?
Don’t wait for the breakdown. Relationships can flourish when two people choose to intentionally invest in one another.
Michelle Shirley, CEO and chief heart officer of Be Strong International, is transforming relationships one Heart Skill at a time. Visit www.bestrongintl.org/marriage-matters to enroll in our Heart Skills® For Couples workshops. You can also follow us on Instagram @BeStrongIntl.
