She’s your bestie. He’s your road dog. You two grew up together; you know each other’s deepest feelings and dreams. But a recent dispute has caused a split and you have not spoken in weeks. How do the two of you get back on track?
Resolving a skirmish with a close friend is much more than a matter of etiquette. It’s a major social dilemma. It can generate a serious crack in the well-being of both persons.
Close friends elevate our day-to-day living into mutual connections, companionship and care. Good friends share moments of fun, joy, sadness, anger, success, and failure; they help us get through the highs and lows, even the mundane. They are essential to helping us make sense of the world’s conflicts, confusions, and contradictions.
Over the years, close friends are bound to encounter conflict. In a heated conversation, harsh words may fly in the moment then be regretted later. An annoying habit may be tolerated for years yet may hit “below the belt” when one is feeling defenseless. A recent loss or failure may cause a person to feel vulnerable and unable to manage the normal jousting between friends. As loving beings, all Is not lost.
When a friendship reaches a breaking point, here is a process for you to consider for working through resolving the tension:
• Take a timeout – Give yourself a timeout. Review what’s been going on lately in your life, your head, your heart. Ponder if any personal issues are burdening you or intruding on your relationships. Be willing to “own” those feelings.
• Do a friendship assessment – Reflect on your past memories with your friend; take note of the best parts of your friendship and its meaning to you. Ask: “What would I miss about this friendship?” Embrace yourself in genuine gratitude for your friend.
• Be the first to reach out – No sulking or pouting; reach out to your friend and acknowledge the problem. Express your friendship “value” points and your genuine commitment to restoring and strengthening the friendship.
• Schedule a reunion – Set an uninterrupted time to meet and talk through the present issues. Offer your personal apology for your contributions, express your sincere interest in resolving the issues, and offer your thoughts on resolutions. Think positive; anticipate the same from your friend. If possible, end with a few specific agreements to make things better for you both. Create a win-win.
• Intentionally plan a reset activity – Don’t fall back into your regular activities right away. Create a moment to focus beyond each of you and the friendship. Expand your gratitude by doing good. Plan a positive/charitable activity together to bring a bright memory into the relationship and dissolve any leftover feelings from the breach.
Don’t let egos, inflexibility, or temporary circumstances endanger a close friendship. Life is too short and close friendships are too precious to squander. Be grateful for both.
Jacqui Love Thornell is a native Miamian and retired corporate executive. With “help shape a better world” as her mantra, Thornell writes to tackle the awkward situations readers face in a world where technology, social media, gender definitions, and cultural lifestyle differences drive behavior. New-age etiquette strives to rise above the fray of rudeness, haters, and negativity to attain human encounters that are civil and thoughtful.
